oblivious?

Its not that my roommates are horrible individuals, but the things they do can definitely add up to be annoying as hell. It's cool that you went to the midnight movie and came home rambunctious with a million other people to grab your things so you could spend the night in another person's room, but please- it's 2:30 in the morning. Turn the lights back off when you leave, since I was kind of sleeping when you came in.

And if you're leaving with a duffel bag and a pillow, it seems like a reasonable question for me to ask if you're coming home or not that night. A mumbled response doesn't help me, especially when you ignore me when I ask you what you said.

I mostly live alone with random noisy interruptions. I have one girl who's willing to move in, but I haven't met her (and my prospective) roommate yet, so that is still up in the air.

One way or another I'm moving out, it sucks when you can't be comfortable in your own room if the other person living there happens to be in at the same time.

I don't understand how someone can be so noisy too. If you don't even say hi and then just start stomping around and slamming things....you barely live here. By never being around you lose your ownership of the room, you feel like an intruder in your own space. I like it better when someone is intruding in my space than I in theirs, at least then I know where I stand.

It seems like most of the issues that have arisen are from their very inconsiderate actions, their disrespect for basic respect for others. It's 3 am, and I asked if you needed the lights on since I was going to go to sleep. "Yeah I kind of need them to study" Oh really? It's 3, I can see your computer- it has Facebook and AIM, but NOW you need to study after watching you waste time for the last 2 hours? And you have a desk light plus a personal lamp, you really don't need the whole room lit up.

At least its not just me that they're inconsiderate to- they also do it to each other. Even if its noon, if they're both sleeping when I decide to get up, I'll figure out how to do everything in the dark. I wouldn't want the lights flipped on while I was trying to sleep, so I don't do it to them. But if one of them wakes up, they'll turn on our bright as hell lights because they're awake, so it doesn't matter than the other one is still trying to sleep.

I'm respectful of them even when I dislike them, I could be a great roommate if I actually cared for them as people.

home!

In less than 5 days I will be home. And with how fast time flies here, Wednesday will be here in no time.

No guarantees on time flying during the 9 hour buss ride, in the middle of which I have to sign up for part of my classes for next quarter....luckily there should be wifi on the bus (probably slower than turtles), my iPhone (pain in the ass to do real work on), or the possibility of outsourcing it to someone with a real computer and wireless connection should I need.

I have no clue what I will do for 9 hours on a bus- probably watch the other people doing nothing for a large portion of the trip, maybe try and read, play games on my phone, attempt to nap and fail. Car trips are rarely fun, bus trips...potentially worse, I haven't really had one yet.

But it will be so worth it. I haven't seen my family or friends in what will be over 2 months- which isn't too terribly long when you consider time on a lifeline measure, but it has felt like a very long time. Yet at the same time, it seems like it could have been last week that I was moving in, since every day feels kinda like the last. Eat, class, eat, waste time, possibly more class, hang out in hallways, go for a walk, bug people in their rooms, gather 17 people to go eat and mob the dining hall, eat too much, come home for 8 more hours before going to bed- do I have no clue what during those 8 hours after dinner, since homework is saved exclusively for Sunday or possibly the day before class if something comes up sooner during the week.

I hope they won't assign much work for over the thanksgiving break, I have a lot to do during those few days.

I need to make a list of things to remember to bring back. So far it includes pillows, Qtips, more pepto, leggings, sheets?, more clothes that I left behind, super glue, and many things that I won't think of until I get back to school and go dammit, I need that. But then I get to come home again like 2 weeks after for a whole month. I can't wait.

strangeness

People watching, my favorite pastime. Here are a few of the interesting people I have seen:

• a homeless man with a rabbit on his head, singing a song about it
• a 60 something man, with grey hair in a high ponytail, stubble beard, unflattering track suit, and long red manicured nails. Nothing suggested he did drag in his spare time besides the nails.
• a guy at school who wore a full suit every day, even when it was 80 out
• a man with long grey hair in a high ponytail, and bangs that were cut to go nearly 1/2 way around his head in a friar tuck sort of fashion
• A 300 lb. girl(?) with a bleached fro mohawk, septum piercing, lip piercing, and unshaved legs- who happened to be hanging out with a teeny tiny girl in mens wear with an electric purple curly mohawk to match
• a homeless man on the bus making out with his soda bottle in an attempt to get the last drop
• a guy with a mohawk pulled back into a ponytail- but where the ponytail should have been, was a ball of dreads it looked like he'd velcroed on
• a girl whose stomach visibly giggled with each step, with a plate of a brownie, a piece of cake, and 6 macaroons

I know there are more amazing things I've seen, but I can't remember them right now

buzz by a bee

Today I was out for a walk, wandering down a trail I always wondered about. As I was walking through the forest I heard a buzzing around my head, so I shook my head and kept walking. I assumed it was a pesky fly. It did it again and I thought it was in my hair so I went to shoo it away.

That's when I felt the burning begin. I was sorely mistaken. This was a bee, not a fly. And it had just stung my scalp. And it burnt like a bitch. I was now afraid to smack at it more because I didn't want to get stung again or accidentally push the stinger farther in.

I turned around to head back the way I came. I wasn't about to venture further into this unknown trail with a bee in my head.

As I was heading back, beginning to cry because of the pain of the sting and the helplessness of having a bee in my head and no one around to help, I was stung again in the shoulder. It was through my cardigan so I was able to easily remove the bee at least, where I noticed it was a yellow jacket. (This will be relevant soon).

I then began running down the trail because bees release a pheromone to tell other bees in the area that they are attacking, and I didn't want to be near any more.

I feel beyond ridiculous running, crying, and carrying a scarf and a cardigan with a bee on it, but there's a certain point where you give up on caring what you look like. there are bigger problems to worry about, like the bee I can swear I can feel pumping more venom into my scalp.

I walk up to the student health services hoping to find someone to remove the bee, only the find that they are closed. At this point I decide it's time for a bit of revenge and stop to death the yellow jacket still stuck on my cardigan. I'm still afraid to touch my head. I decide the bookstore may at least be able to tell me where I can go to check for someone to help me.

A woman in the bookstore tells me she doesn't see a bee, and that the only other thing she can do is call the paramedics. Hardly necessary, I decline and walk back towards my dorm.

Maybe a friend can help out. On my walk I come to the realization that the other girl I trust to help me is gone for the weekend, and the other ones I have confidence in to competently remove a stinger. It's a saddening realization to have.

I resolve to use hand mirrors and check out my head myself, since I trust myself to do what I have to at least. I couldn't find anything and finally remember that it was a yellow jacket on my cardigan that I killed and most likely was the same one that stung me on the head. At least I killed the bastard.

My head still hurts. My shoulder too. It was a bad day. I just wanted to be home with people I knew could help me and that I trusted to actually be able to know what to do in such a situation. You know girls would just be afraid to touch it if I had had a bee in my scalp. It's amazing how stupid people are for being able to get into college.

wtf

I was pissed at Kelly for having all her friends over passed 2 am, so I decided I should talk to her about it- just to tell her that she should be understanding of when I do something to make her mad if I'm understanding of her antics.

Her response was- it was Halloween, I thought you'd have a life and be out. She then continued with: if it had been you I probably would have left you alone and gone somewhere else.

It was 2:30 in the morning, I was going to sleep. I can't go somewhere else to sleep, this is my room.

How is it that I'm now the bad guy because I came home to my own room on a school night to sleep?

Every time I hear her talk I hate her a bit more. I'm finding a way out of this room...somehow.

hey hamster face

She asked for the room from 9-11 pm to work on a project or something with friends. No problem, it's halloween. I'll be out of the room and find something to do.

But when I come back at 1 am to drop off a bag of candy and there are 10 of her asian friends in my room...what the hell. Okay, I'm still out for the night. Whatever...but you're singing. That's definitely not working. Not sure what you're doing, but it can't be that important.

But when I come back at 2:30 ready to sleep and all her friends are still there- not cool dude. You're pissed at me for having a friend in the room when you come home, yet we leave immediately once you come back. And now you've got 10 people in my room, lights on, talking about bullshit- and make absolutely no change when I come in to go to bed...I'm not going to be so cooperative to you if you're so disrespectful to me. Its give and take, and I hope you're ready to take some shit.

halloween

Halloween, I think it may be my new favorite holiday. If my love of candy wasn't enough to have endeared me to it before, the new abundance of sluts in ridiculous costumes has brought my love to a whole new level.

I may hate the temptation of having candy around, but I also love it. My sweet tooth knows no limits. It's almost as bad as my love of people watching.

It's like Halloween was made for me.

I think this is the holiday of over confidence. "It's when ugly chicks get guys" as a friend said. Because while they may still look like a sausage, they're a sausage in a push up bra and a miniskirt so short they had to buy special underwear to go with it. You shouldn't wear skin tight dresses if you are built more like a sausage than a person. Even if you've got curves like a plus size model, if you also have the accompanying stomach- please don't go out in fishnets and panties with a bra and jacket and think that qualifies as clothes. I know all girls costumes are little more than "slut" disguised as some profession like fire fighter or policewoman, but pairing a shirt with booty shorts is not the answer to your costume dilemmas. Tutus around every corner and booty shorts on every butt. I can't remember what halloween is celebrating, but I don't think this is what they had in mind when it was created.

Either way, I've got sugar and people to comment on. Add to that the fact that all these girls is ridiculous outfits are now drunk and I've got dinner and a show that can't be outdone.

smells like slobs

Pigs.

Filthy, oblivious, pigs.

They leave food in the trash and expect the room not to smell. A sandwich with onions left on a desk, not even attempted to be thrown away. It completely fowled the room, add to that the lovely aroma of reheated chinese food and the ceaseless smell of pot that seeps in through the window and my room is a truly lovely place to be. I was seriously appreciating the air freshener I had, although that only improved the smell temporarily. Luckily we get use to things and no longer become aware of them, but it's really quite a pungent smell to return home to. I didn't mind the clothes everywhere, the shambles of forgotten paper, and random shoes strewn about the room, but food is gross. Clean that shit up.

As requested

The immediate scene that followed my slip up text actually didn't happen until about an hour later when whoever was hanging out in our room had left. Kelly passive aggressively said in that indirect, this isn't important, i'm not even looking at you while I'm talking kind of way- if you have an issue with me just tell me.

Really? You expect me to go up and say- you talk too much. "Stop doing that, change your whole hyper personality please to suit my liking." No- you don't do that. So you deal with it and bitch to your friends and life goes on. That's how I deal with things at least. In all following conversations it's really difficult to try and amend my misstep when she counters with- I know you don't like me, it's ok.

ARG, how do you come back to that? It's true, but I want to like you, for my living sake. I might dislike you less if you were to stop it. Stop doing shit like keeping the lights on at 4 am and doing bullshit like taking webcam photos with some dude in our room while i'm trying to sleep and your piercing little hamster voice wakes me from my sleep. (I might be understanding if she were actually doing work- but I have photo evidence to the contrary) It was enough to make me dream about screaming at her in my sleep- a dream so realistic I then worried I'd further shoved my foot in my mouth the entire following day.

Following arguments stemmed from the fact that she offered me friendship and expected to be besties from our first meeting, while I came in guarded and expecting the worst, being that I need time to warm up to people and will then decide if I want to be friends. We have different methods of developing relationships as we have extremely different personalities and are just very different as people. I accept that, I recognize that- yet she refutes it every time. "Just go make friends. It's really not that hard" -For you maybe. "No, really- it's not that hard. Just go make friends. Everyone's hella chill here. Just say hi. That's what I did and now I have friends at like all the colleges. You should do that."

....It makes me want to strangle her. She has zero concept of what it's like to be crippled with introversion and seems to refuse that that's even possible for someone to have. Of course I can make friends, I should just go out there like her. If she can do it I can do it, right?

It's really hard talking to someone who refuses to accept the possibility that other may be different from her. It's like talking to a brick wall. All attempts to explain what happened and potentially amend for my terrible grievance (that she seriously should have just gotten over to begin with) just end up going in circles with her same rebottles. I give up.

I'm so screwed if she ever sees this blog. But i'm willing to take that risk for your entertainment. I'm just such a nice person like that :P

Here's the scoop

Many have probably heard mention of my clash with my roommate. Hamster bitch as far as i'm concerned (my roommate called her a hamster affectionately, but the idea of a compact rodent that makes irritating noises is quite applicable in my opinion).

So here's how the issues started: Actually, before anything happened in person, I met her through Facebook. Automatically I disliked her, as she had a stuffed unicorn in her profile picture and every message she sent me had far too many exclamation points to be reasonable. No one is that excited about choosing a fridge.

Wrong. Upon moving in, my worst fears were confirmed. She actually was that excitable and hyper. She had a squeaky high pitched voice that instantly irritated me and the worst part of it was that she never stopped talking. Somewhat of a human equivalent to that tiny yappy dog that you want to drop kick. High energy, high pitch, and a constant stream of bullshit- mostly about her stories of when she was fucked up or her boyfriend or how hella cheap she got something for. This girl was my worst nightmare.

One night shortly after moving in, she came home stoned. And miracle upon miracles, she was chill. Mellow, almost quiet- or at least less talkative than I'd seen her since moving in. I'd already vented some of my irritation about her talking to a friend who shared in my irritation of her, and so decided to share my little revelation. I sent them a text saying "K is quiet when she's stoned. I've found the magic key." Except that I sent it to my roommate by mistake. Oopsie daisy. My bad.

too nice

I wouldn't consider myself to be emotional. I don't suffer from the "touchy feely" affliction that so many seem burdened by. But I wouldn't think of myself as a complete bitch or anything either. Upon coming to Santa Cruz everyone was very nice and friendly. Everyone was open to meeting all the people around them- you live with them, kind of have to. The ones you meet whom you don't like, just don't bother with them in the future. That was my feeling at least.

And yet, it seems as though the people that I did decide I liked were still just a little too nice. They don't people watch (enjoying the mess of humanity parades around daily for my own personal amusement). I can't make fun of the irony of the hippy girl who won't shave her legs, yet won't wear anything besides long skirts of pants that hide them (clearly she's not fully comfortable with her decision, and neither am I). They found it rude when I reminded the owners of one room that they were allowed to kick out my roommate because she wouldn't stop making random noises while one of them was trying to sleep- it's their room, they have a right to peace and quiet and to remove the noisy offender. Just trying to help. It's the odd things that I find totally acceptable that they seem to be ticked off by that confuse me most. I don't know how to fix something if I don't know that what I'm doing is offensive. I've pointed this out to them- if you have issue with something I do, tell me. Otherwise I'll never know to fix it. This is a slippery slope I'll have to learn to navigate, or maybe it's good for them to get a dose of reality and thicken up their skins a bit. The world isn't concerned about your emotions either- learn to deal with it.

Hi

It's been a while since I bothered posting, mostly because I had originally created the blog to vent my thoughts and didn't like that other people were reading them- it was intended to be more of an online journal (which is a stupid idea in retrospect, doomed to fail really). But it was suggested to me that I update more often so all the people I've left behind can have a glimpse into my life while I'm away. It'll still probably mostly be rants about all the idiots whom I encounter on a daily basis, which can be entertaining if you let them. I waste enough time online when I don't feel like doing my homework anyways, I may as well write something here.

white chocolate chip banana cookies

I don't know who if anyone will really see this, but just on the offchance that someone does, I thought I'd share a recipe I'd altered for banana cookies. We had bananas that had gotten past their prime and I didn't feel like making banana bread, so I found a recipe for banana cookies. I decided not to use their recomendation for cream cheese frosting and instead used a whole bag of white chocolate chips. The resulting cookies were good enough to have the whole house moaning with deliciousness.

1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup sugar
3 banana's
3 cups flour ( i used 1 1/2 cups All Purpose and 1 1/2 cups whole wheat)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoons cinnamon
1 bag white chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degree's. In a large bowl, cream together butter, sugars and banana's. In a separate bowl mix together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Combined flour mixture to banana mixture. Mix in chocolate chips. Spoon teaspoonfuls of dough onto cookie sheets and bake for 10 minutes. (Mine were big so I put them in for 13 minutes) Remove from oven and transfer to a cooling rack.

you bug me

I watch everyone emerge from their classes and scatter in every direction like bugs emerging from their holes in the ground. Each with a different place to go, some new class they need to get to. Everyone has their own mission they're on. We swarm the campus like an ant invasion. We must look equally repulsive if anyone could get far enough away to see us as squishable

2 weeks

School's off for winter break. I'm excited to be able to sleep in and wake up on my own schedule- mostly because that means I can lay in bed for an hour remembering my dreams. Any other time they get obliterated by my alarm clock, and I'll only catch glimpses of things, the essence of a memory from the dream. It's a frustrating mystery with no way to solve it besides luck, unless I can sleep in and remember. It's interesting to see where everything comes from- what you're reading, what you were talking about, who you've been hanging out with- they all find a way of showing up in your dreams. Or just completely random bizarre stuff that makes no sense will happen, which is just a story your mind told itself so it didn't get bored while you were sleeping.

winter blues

i dislike the winter. the cold. the shadows. the short days and long nights. The sun never fully rises in the sky. It seems like it's always hovering just above the horizon, casting long shadows that make my search for a patch of sun so much more difficult. Even on sunny days the air is crisp. I can't wear skirts and dresses, not comfortably at least. The days become nights so quickly. I miss the sun. I wish it'd come back.

good

days are good because some days you just feel good. maybe your skin fits better than day, and your hair does everything it's suppose to, and the sun is out and you're not shivering.

Lady Luck

have you ever noticed that everyone says "With my luck, this will probably happen." or "That would happen with my luck" Then apparently everyone has bad luck. It must just be the way luck works. Screw that, I am lucky. Maybe it's just how you view things. Some might say, awww just my luck. i stepped in gum. or you could scrape off the gum and not think about it, and go yes! the steering wheel is turned the right way so that the hot part is on the bottom and i can drive without burning myself. It's all about focusing on the right things. I don't know what people are talking about, their luck. My luck is perfect.

why can't you be happy?

Maybe I'm abnormal. It seems like every single person I talk to is completely unhappy with their body. They either have something beyond their control that they hate and obsess on constantly, or they have unattainable body goals because they think that would look better on them. Is everyone seriously that self conscious? You look best on you. Instead of dealing with their bodies and learning how best to accent what they have, they just focus on how they'd like to change something. Dude, just be happy. Nothing you have is that bad. It's your skin and you're gonna be livin' in it for a long time. So sit down and have a nice long talk with your belly button until you're friends again.

don't idly sit by

a foot gone numb from lack of circulation. a cautious twitch of the toe sends a crippling wave of pain up the leg, completely immobilizing it. sit very still again and wait a bit longer for life to return.

its only important to you

I forget everything because nothing holds importance for me. Everything is just a small insignificant event to either be enjoyed while it lasts or dealt with as best you can until it's over. And then it's gone, and I don't bother thinking about it anymore.
Today someone asked if I was going to dress up- i said probably not. They said they would if I did. I said I didn't care what they did. They seemed bummed. When I was retelling the story, my friend commented saying- but you don't care what anyone does.
...it was perfect.

You know what's exciting about having a bad memory? Sometimes random memories of things like from your childhood will randomly pop into your head and you can go- cool! I had no clue I still had that. I was pretty sure it got completely deleted. But nope, it's in there somewhere, waiting for the right opportunity to show itself, for no apparent reason.

so chill

Today I realize the extent of my ability to be unperturbed by anything. A twix exploded in my purse. I just licked the caramel off my phone and hoped that i would remember to clean the rest off my purse later. A dog slobbered on my foot. I rubbed it in like lotion. I would die as a germaphobe, I just don't care enough. I think it just adds to my immune system. I'll walk barefoot. I've licked the blood off my fingers. I'll leave the paint splatter on my face for a while. People who let the little things get to them must be very busy, and sad.

daydreamin

some days you fall asleep in the sun
to find your eyelashes trapped rainbows
while you slept

some things can wait
while now is here
because you can't come back to now
later

then its gone and later is sneaking up on you
while you're still thinking about the now
that become before

I'd like it to wait

I think for once I may actually be aware of the stress that I'm dealing with. Normally I must just block it out because I never feel stressed, but my shoulders tell me otherwise. But working on college apps, and thinking of deadlines that must be met and the importance of the essays that I'm writing, realizing how I have no time to study before taking the SAT again, feeling the guilt of going out and having fun when I have things waiting for me to work on when I get back that everyone kept talking about but that I never felt before, it's slightly exhausting. I look forward to having it all done and sent out and over with.

just because

Things don't need reasons. They just have to be. Enjoy them.

who, me?

It's college app time, and that means a lot of selling yourself. Mostly this has made me realize that my personality is very contradicting to itself and that I don't like trying to define things. Also, I dislike telling stories to prove my qualities. The best stories would be for things like forgetful or distracted, which wouldn't be a positive attribute as far as colleges are concerned. I bet this would be easier if I were trying to get into an art school.

lessons learned

Sometimes, leaning into the pain can be the answer.
Resistance can be the problem.

being

do you ever move your muscles beneath your skin
and wonder why others cringe
when inside comes out
that we are not meant to see
some things to remain hidden
for our own health and sanity
yet my curiosity allows me to see beyond
inside
so that i may look without a queasy center
at something of which i am the master
my own body
living

changing time

My eyes are heavy. I can feel them. They tell me that sleep is the answer, but i don't wish to speed up time. That means waking up early again tomorrow all the sooner. If i can keep today a bit longer, I can put off tomorrow. Sleep eats time. We need sleep, it provides us with a small oblivion where we can ignore the realities of life, with whatever problems, troubles, or thoughts that simply cannot be given attention every second of the day. Sometimes we must escape them so as not to go insane. They disappear while we retreat into our own subconscious imaginations to experience a different reality for a while. But while we're ignoring reality, it's busy speeding by without us, going on regardless of whether we're aware of it or not. And when we wake up, we must face that reality. But we always find a way to deal with it. Enjoy oblivion while you can, life will still be there waiting for you whenever you decide it's time to come back.

the things we share

sometimes the only difference between a bitchy mood and complete contentment with life is an imperceptible change behind your eyes and a millimeter twitch of the mouth, but the difference is monumental in the mind.

happy happy joy joy

I love when things go well, when life is good, when you get to enjoy the little things. When you hit all the green lights on the way home. When you realize that planes have headlights too. When you get to be passenger again.

let it go

the sense of relief felt when releasing something when you realize it isn't worth caring about it wonderfully calming.

a day in a life

Life is only a day and a memory long. Once you go to sleep, the day is over and it become just another memory. Then it's a new day, a new miniature life to create.