How are you wasting your time?

College, especially the quarter system, leads one to live a very rushed life. I went from having readings due every day, new homework assignments every week, and tests to prepare for one after another, to now having absolutely nothing to do all day now that I'm home for summer. I have no school to prepare for, no work to go to, and no friends at home left to hang out with. So, I am left with an ample amount of time to kill.
Lately I've found myself turning to games on my phone- generally puzzle games like bejeweled or connect the dots or things like that. They are timed, have bright colors, and demand my full attention. These games create a sense of urgency and panic; it's a fight for your life, if only the life of the game. I imagine this must create a panic response in the body, and definitely involve part of the flight or flight reaction that gets people so worked up at times and can get their adrenaline flowing. There's no time to think in these games, it's all about animal instinct as you frantically race to beat the clock and win the game.
 I think these games are so popular and addicting because we don't have to think. It gives us a break from the constant stream of thoughts, worries, ideas, and just endless jibber jabber inside our heads as we turn our full attention to a game that doesn't need words for us to solve. We're given a reprieve from our own conscious thoughts, and become addicted to the adrenaline rush. I also find myself feeling drawn to my phone and anxious without it, to the neglect of the current situation and experience, and I hate that this happens.
Looking for an alternative to games, I attempted to rediscover my love for reading. College assigns readings to do for nearly every class, but generally the readings are so overly academic and intellectual, I can't figure out what they're trying to say. Since completing the reading generally left me just as confused, if no more so, than I would be had I not done the reading and just waited to have it explain in class, pretty much everyone I knew gave up on attempting to read for classes after about the 3rd week, if they even made it that long. But I loved to read before college, so I took up a book my grandmother had given me at the start of the school year now that I finally have time from "required readings". And I've missed it.
I've realized that reading uses an entirely different part of the brain that makes it another appealing option to waste time with besides games. It's the counterpart to games, not distracting us from our conscious thoughts, but replacing them. Directing them perhaps into thinking about the words you are reading and what they mean. Instead of being subjected to our own inescapable stream of consciousness, we can instead fill it with the words in the book instead of those that spontaneously emerge into our minds. And since it takes some mental effort to digest the words you've read, it also tires out the mind and gives it something concrete to mull over instead of the hypotheticals that can be so agonizing in life.
So if you suffer from insomnia or just boredom, perhaps consider what your options are and what effect they can have on you. Video games might get your adrenaline pumping and probably wake you up more (a major negative if you're wasting time because you can't fall asleep), but occupy your full attention if you need to kill some time (like the waiting room, or DVM perhaps). Reading can tire you out and perhaps teach you something in the process. Each have their purpose, and both are enjoyable, but I've enjoyed rediscovering the world of potential hidden amongst the pages of a book. The things you learn from college....

dumb luck

If the rest of the world thinks you smarter than you think yourself,
perhaps it is because the rest of the world is dumber than you realize.

Sorry

There is no need to say sorry if you do not do things that you will have to be sorry for. 

There is no need to say sorry for things that you aren't sorry for.

Yet I hear it so often.

Because we teach children to say sorry, when they don't mean it. 

It's just words. 

It's why no one believes real apologies anymore.

Too many boys who cried sorry, 

and wondered why no one believed them when they really were. 

Don't say sorry

unless you mean it. 

But hopefully,

you won't have to. 

learning curve

This life is a learning experience.
By the time you've made all the mistakes
and know how to avoid them in the future,
there is often very little future left to use your wisdom
as this journey of knowledge has no end point
until the end point

I live a cold life

I am a lizard in human skin
A cold blooded reptile in need of a basking rock.
Put me in the sun,
warm me up.
This mammalian fur fail me.

Why Words Fail

Words will always fail us, for a word is not merely a word. They are your words- each word is not just a word. It is every connection and subtextual thought and associated meaning that a world hold for you. Tree to me may draw to mind the awe-inspiringly enormous redwood, noble and enduring though delicate- deserving of reverence and respect. Tree to you may remind you of the problematic, smothering ficus you grew up next door to, forever blocking the sun, raining debris, and upheaving sidewalks with massive, twisting roots. My speaking of trees may not have the same unconsciously positive associations underlying my story that I may intend it to, as it does for me, when it is heard by you. Our words may be the same, but their meaning is far from similar. This is why our words continually fail us, yet they are the only tools we have to attempt to convey what we mean, what we want to get across to others. Perhaps this is why, despite sharing everything we possibly could say, we will forever have only ourselves as company in the worlds of our heads.

wow

Never would the 170 pound middle schooler have imagined what the future held. If I had been told then that I could shed 60 pounds and be a perfectly fit, healthy individual I would have been ecstatic, and had no clue how I would have gotten there. It took a lot of time and effort, and plenty of setbacks, but I did it. We may not always be able to see the path that will get us there, but if you keep the destination in sight perhaps anything is possible.

Sad

Today was the first time I've cried at a movie for as long as I can remember. It was from Savages. I didn't cry because it was sad, or because of the torture or violence. I started crying because it saddens me that I have to live in a world where people are capable of committing such unimaginable atrocities, such cruelty to their fellow man. I don't want to live in a world where the humans are the devils, but we do. I just prefer to ignore that fact, because it truly is a sad thing to think about. People can be quite disappointing in the things they do, that no one should ever, ever do.

Patience

Everyone has heard that patience is a virtue, but this adage has been retold so many times that we no longer hear the meaning behind the words.
If we took the time to truly learn and accept its lesson, our lives might be just a bit better.
I've realized recently, as I do every time something happens that I've been wanting, that my life is continually moving where I want it to. As of most recently, being so lucky as to receive a car to be able to drive around in and have some freedom again. Unfortunately, you can't really live in LA and not have a car- even if you do enjoy walking. It's simply too big and too far apart, with no functional public transport to rely on.
I have had at least 4 moments in my life where I had a moment that made me go- Whoa, this is exactly what I had envisioned. And it came true, I got what I wished for and am so happy for it.
But then I realize that any unhappiness stems from being displeased from not having what you want. If I were able to remind myself at the time that I may not have these things now, but that eventually they will come into my life, then a bit of patience could save me some unhappiness.
I had this realization and thought it was a good one to share. I'm thankful for everything I have and having such a wonderful life that somehow brings me all the things and need and anything I want badly enough- if only I can stand the time in-between wanting and receiving. And I mean years in some cases, but without fail, everything shows up eventually.

Balance?

Yo-yo dieting.  For a little over a year now, I have lost, gained, and repeated. There has not been a point that has not been moving in one direction or the other. I have had zero luck staying stable and simply maintaining a weight I can be happy at. Until now- hopefully.
I have found that if I try and eat as healthily as possible at each meal, and go to the gym whenever I can find the time, that I can have room for all the indulgences that I fail at resisting and still be okay. I've gone through at least 3 terrible food days that have included in one day an entire pound and a half bag of candy, taco bell, crepes, and in-n-out, another day of buffalo wings at midnight, and another time having  ice cream sandwiches, late night meal, and I'm sure a few cookies stolen from the dining hall. The mornings after have generally resulted in a bloated, truly toxic feeling.
On these days I have woken up, tried to eat light that day, and make sure I go to the gym. By the next day, I feel fine again. I don't even feel the normal fatness I usually do with each consecutive day after ending a diet. Thank god for finally finding a balance- of motivation, control, and self forgiveness.
It may have taken over a year, and who knows if this reprieve from weight fluctuation will last, but in the meantime I will enjoy it while I finish my finals before finally returning home for the summer where I get to see my family, not rely on busses, ,sleep in a real bed, and eat non dining hall food. Sounds awesome.

Smell that?

Some of the most pleasurable moments while walking to class are being caught off guard by the addition of a nice scent- someone's perfume, the flowers, baking smells coming through apartment windows- it could be anything. Most often though, the smells our noses come in contact with are not pleasant. Case in point- your own body. We produce smells, not a single one of which is pleasurable. We are essentially toxic smell bags, doing everything in our power to hold them in and cover them up. We (attempt) to step away for flatulence, we apologize for burps, and slather ourselves head to toe is scented soaps/ shampoos/ deodorants/ perfumes to hide any natural odors that may escape our skin bags.

It's no wonder we produce only toxic smells. Have you ever seen what food does? I once spit out a partially chewed cookie after being caught off guard by how bad it tasted, and forgot to throw away the cup I'd spit it in. I found it a few days later, and was horrified to see how it'd grown and fermented. That happens inside of us. We are full of decaying food, that is in the process of becoming shit. That is its only destiny- or perhaps to be sweated out when being used as fuel for our bodies. Either way, it will never become some beautiful fragrance once it touches our lips. We don't make a single nice smelling substance.

Plants, on the other hand, smell delightful.
They eat sunlight, which is probably the best food in the world. They get to sunbathe all day and never worry about what to eat for lunch, or how many calories it will be, or when they will have time between classes to quiet their bellies grumblings. They then take beautiful warm sunlight, and make pretty green things, or brilliantly colored flowers that have delicate and pleasing aromas. Why can't be flowers? Flowers don't have to write english papers....they just have to wait for the sun to grace them with their presence once more.

Happy Mothers Day

Tomorrow is mother's day, a day so very needed to give mother's their deserved recognition for all that they do. Moms are the ones making sure things run, taking care of the little details most of us are oblivious to that help keep life on track. Without them, we would surely all be lost. Or at least missing a lot of more items around the house. 

Tomorrow I won't be able to bake my mother any special goodies or spend the day with her, which is a sad thing. I wish that I could be to thank her for all of her help and knowing that I've always got someone if I ever need advice or support. 

I was never a terrible child, but just like any child I certainly had my moments. My mom has been incredibly patient through my various phases, over emotional, melodramatic preteen years, through my bitchy moments in high school, and she's stayed respectful and allowed me to discover a bit of freedom as I go off to college. 

I miss being able to bitch about my day, or share moments of elation while people watching because of the true absurdity that exists in the world- and it's so nice to have someone who can understand the joy that their ridiculous existence brings. 

I look forward to the summer, where I will hopefully be able to share more mornings over coffee while the rest of the house sleeps or go grocery shopping while planning out family meals. 

My mom has taught me all I know today that enables to be a competend individual in the world, and that is a priceless gift that deserves more than cooked desserts presents or blog entries of praise, but it's all I have. 

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who do so much for us, you deserve more than a single day a year for all that you do. 

kid causes

When considering beginning a family...what is it that goes though people's heads while debating creating a new life? I had a reading for my English class that talked about how so many children fell into these group homes because they wanted to get away from their parents- not necessarily because of abuse, but more often because of neglect. Emotional neglect because their parents were too busy working and then too tired to bother with them, or too drugged out to connect with their kids- so rather than staying in the uncomfortable setting of living with someone you don't care for (much like being in a dorm room...) they opt instead to leave.
It got me wondering what it was that caused people to have kids (disregarding accidents).
No child ever asks to be born. It is no ones fault that they exist, they just happened to be created and forced to live out this existence in whatever body they've been given. But when creating these people- what motivates parents?
Do they think they are proving a vessel for one of the millions of imaginary spirits just waiting for an opportunity to come to this world?
Is it so that they will have someone who needs them to give their life a purpose?
Are they bored and want another person to interact with?
Maybe some parents are ensuring they have their own safety net- someone to look after them in their old age who will care about them more than the nurses in an old folks home.
Or perhaps its just what people do at that time of life, so they might as well join the bandwagon. Don't wanna get left behind.

I recently saw a statistic in my psychology book that said that the majority of marriages decrease in happiness when a child is introduced into the mix. Mostly because of the added stresses- women having too much responsibility for the child and men feeling the burden of providing for everyone. If more couples knew that, most likely, they'd be less happy with their partner once they had a child, would they still do it?
I really am curious as to what drives most people to willingly accept the financial burden a child, plus the responsibility of having to raise your own personal goo bag so it doesn't turn out to be a complete dick and burden on society later in life. And what if you get a bad egg, that continues to be a terror despite all your best efforts?
Maybe its the curiosity of finding out what you'd create- will it get your bad genes in terms of cavities, or maybe it'll inherit your intelligence and now you've provided the world with a fabulous new brain that can improve the world and solve all the problems. (only if you're Sheldon Cooper)
I had thought for a long time that if I ever were to have kids that I'd adopt them- but then i realized that if I can't blame myself for this quirk and that flaw, and take credit for that achievement, well...I'd probably have even less patience for it that if it were my own creation.
Probably genetics are the main motivator- some have come to the conclusion that the point of life is to continue life, and in our own day to day struggles to keep on living the way we'd like, that often seems like the most likely theory.

I know some people who can tell a hell of story. And do they have some interesting stories to tell...

Death is a weighty subject

I've had this thought for a while, so I felt like getting it out of my head.

Death is a heavy thing. It's a burden on the soul to carry that loss, that  sorrow. The grief induced weight gain that many experience is somewhat like a physical manifestation of the weight of ones emotion. Some people physically carry the burden in their heart for the world to see. Your weight may be an expression for everyone to see the sorrows you've gone through; each pound like a badge, worn to commemorate the event of a loved ones passing. Perhaps in the old days it was like an extra layer of insulation to keep your heart protected and carry you through the sparse times. It's as if the departed left a tiny bit of their soul wrapped around you, and your body had to expand to accommodate the extra consciousness you now carry with you always. Today everyone wants to be thin, but when extra weight is a marker of the extra wright bearing down on your soul, one needs not to be so ashamed of their baggage.

Lent

Lent has just begun. Despite not being catholic, I decided it might be a good excuse to give me that extra reason to have willpower to make a change in my habits. Never buy a pound of candy- because when you finish it you have to look at the bag and go "holy shit I just ate a pound of candy in a week (with some help)". So I decided maybe I should cut back on my sugar intake. Or at least not buy any more candy for a while- so I decided to give it up for lent. Originally I had said all sugar. ( I quickly realized this was impossible when making my coffee in the morning, and revised it to be just sweet things like candy and dessert.) Then I got to class and was hungry and started rummaging through my backpack and found jolly ranchers. And I ate them. And then I gave up. It's a lot harder to avoid dessert when you have 7 options and 2 frozen yogurt flavors available for no extra charge twice a day. If I can't even make it through the first day of lent, I basically have to give up right then and there, because if I can't go one day how am I suppose to go another 39? Instead, I'm just looking forward to easter, an excuse to buy more candy with rabbit/egg/ spring themes. To everyone else attempting to give something up to make a positive change for a while, best of luck. Hopefully you do better than me.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up, and everyone is aware- for their own reasons.

People either are planning a day with their sweetheart or they're dreading the day, being forced to recognize their alone-ness.

But in my opinion, everyone is focusing on the entirely wrong aspect of Valentine's Day.

If you're in a relationship, you don't need a special day to recognize it.

If you're alone, no one wants a day to make them aware of it, I'm sure they're already aware and don't appreciate the candy.

We should all go back to the days of elementary school when Valentine's Day only meant one thing: CANDY.

Any excuse to eat candy is a good thing. And if there is an extra-large assortment in the stores that happen to be heart shaped and wrapped in pink, all the better. So lets all unite in the renaming of this event for what it really is- national sweet tooth happiness day. Sugar is any form can't be bad, so happy Valentine's Day to all!

weekends ending

This lovely monday morning I woke up and tried to go to the bathroom.

The central hall has 2 handicapped bathrooms with 1 shower and one bathroom stall in each. One was out of toilet paper and the other was clogged.

So I went to try much luck in the South bathroom, that for some reason has 4 stalls even though I'm pretty sure that it has less people living on it. Of the 4, 3 were out of toilet paper and one was clogged. The only one left was the designated "urinal stall", which would explain why it still has toilet paper and isn't clogged.

Also, all 3 bathrooms were out of paper towels so after trying to wash my face I realized I was screwed and got to walk back to my room for a towel with a drippy face.

I know it's the weekend and I guess the maintenance staff deserve a day off too- but apparently 2 days is too many.

I had walked past the big windows and saw that outside looked overcast and chilly, and knowing that the weather predicts rain for tomorrow, I decided to bundle up in my DGAF clothes and at least be warm if the day was going to insist on sucking.

While pulling out a pair of comphy jeans I accidentally dragged over my box of nailpoish, spilling them all over the floor. The real bonus was having one break, leaving glass and sticky polish on the carpet to try and be cleaned up and ruining one pair of extra tall socks that I'd left on the floor in the process.

At least it was a clearish polish and not bright red. And maybe I'll be just a little bit more motivated to pick up my clothes now.

Welcome to college problems.

Luckily the rest of the day has proceeded to improve a bit, but that was my morning.

Spring has sprung

Spring is on its way.

I can feel it in the warming of the air,

in the lengthening of the days,

in the way the sun sets just a little bit slower than the day before.

And I can't wait.

Winter will not be missed by me.

some inspiration from fog

spider webs that hang like lace

dripping down into space

their delicate lines i yearn to trace

with intricate patterns spun with care

by that creepy ass spider just hanging there

illegal activities

I've moved rooms, and its great knowing that I never have to deal with those pain in the ass people ever again. The only problem is that I moved without going through all of the proper paperwork first. I tried to, but they didn't feel like doing it at the time. Well we didn't feel like waiting, so instead we took matters into our own hands. My key doesn't work the new door, so we have it taped so that it can't lock, and just hope that no one will steal our things while we're away. I don't mind this. So far the biggest problems are maintenance ones for the room. One of the curtains is missing, so the room is bright as shit in the morning when I have enough trouble sleeping in as it is. I did wake up to birds chirping though, so I don't mind. I was waking up earlier than I wanted to in the old room anyways. The other problem is that the heater doesn't work. I seriously have goosebumps at 3 in the afternoon just sitting in the room. I'll have to ask my roommate to file a fix it, since it'd be weird of me to ask for someone else's room to be fixed.

I wonder what the consequences would be if we were caught. Just today the CA came around to all the rooms asking people to sign that they were still living in their room. I signed saying yes, I am still in the triple. Bit fishy of a coincidence, but we do what we must and hope for the best. It's definitely more comfortable being in a room where I don't mind the other person being there as well. The room has also been rearranged so that she is able to keep a lot of privacy, so that's good. Overall I think it will be a good swap. Hopefully the room will warm up soon...I'm cold enough as it is.

chapstick addicts

A new generation is emerging, and it is addicted to chapstick. Lips do need to be properly treated to avoid nasty, painful cracks, but surely people survived just fine before a time where chapstick existed. It seems like the more you use chapstick, the more you need it. I can be fine if I haven't used it in a while, but once they start to get dry I'll start carrying one around and applying whenever it seems to wear off- which is nearly every hour, if not more. And once you start, you can't stop. If you forget to bring your chapstick when you're use to leaving it, suddenly your lips become the sahara if you don't get something on them asap. If you don't get some soon, you get antsy. Your lips feel gross, and they must be fixed. Until they are, they bug the hell of you and drive you insane. It's an addiction. You're fine without it, but if you're using it regularly, your body starts to need it. But eventually you build up a collection, with different flavors and tints hidden in each purse and pocket, so after a while you've got one on you at all times and you never have to go through withdrawals. Plus they can have yummy flavors and pretty sparkles. Just make sure to always have one on hand, never know when you may need some.

oblivious?

Its not that my roommates are horrible individuals, but the things they do can definitely add up to be annoying as hell. It's cool that you went to the midnight movie and came home rambunctious with a million other people to grab your things so you could spend the night in another person's room, but please- it's 2:30 in the morning. Turn the lights back off when you leave, since I was kind of sleeping when you came in.

And if you're leaving with a duffel bag and a pillow, it seems like a reasonable question for me to ask if you're coming home or not that night. A mumbled response doesn't help me, especially when you ignore me when I ask you what you said.

I mostly live alone with random noisy interruptions. I have one girl who's willing to move in, but I haven't met her (and my prospective) roommate yet, so that is still up in the air.

One way or another I'm moving out, it sucks when you can't be comfortable in your own room if the other person living there happens to be in at the same time.

I don't understand how someone can be so noisy too. If you don't even say hi and then just start stomping around and slamming things....you barely live here. By never being around you lose your ownership of the room, you feel like an intruder in your own space. I like it better when someone is intruding in my space than I in theirs, at least then I know where I stand.

It seems like most of the issues that have arisen are from their very inconsiderate actions, their disrespect for basic respect for others. It's 3 am, and I asked if you needed the lights on since I was going to go to sleep. "Yeah I kind of need them to study" Oh really? It's 3, I can see your computer- it has Facebook and AIM, but NOW you need to study after watching you waste time for the last 2 hours? And you have a desk light plus a personal lamp, you really don't need the whole room lit up.

At least its not just me that they're inconsiderate to- they also do it to each other. Even if its noon, if they're both sleeping when I decide to get up, I'll figure out how to do everything in the dark. I wouldn't want the lights flipped on while I was trying to sleep, so I don't do it to them. But if one of them wakes up, they'll turn on our bright as hell lights because they're awake, so it doesn't matter than the other one is still trying to sleep.

I'm respectful of them even when I dislike them, I could be a great roommate if I actually cared for them as people.

home!

In less than 5 days I will be home. And with how fast time flies here, Wednesday will be here in no time.

No guarantees on time flying during the 9 hour buss ride, in the middle of which I have to sign up for part of my classes for next quarter....luckily there should be wifi on the bus (probably slower than turtles), my iPhone (pain in the ass to do real work on), or the possibility of outsourcing it to someone with a real computer and wireless connection should I need.

I have no clue what I will do for 9 hours on a bus- probably watch the other people doing nothing for a large portion of the trip, maybe try and read, play games on my phone, attempt to nap and fail. Car trips are rarely fun, bus trips...potentially worse, I haven't really had one yet.

But it will be so worth it. I haven't seen my family or friends in what will be over 2 months- which isn't too terribly long when you consider time on a lifeline measure, but it has felt like a very long time. Yet at the same time, it seems like it could have been last week that I was moving in, since every day feels kinda like the last. Eat, class, eat, waste time, possibly more class, hang out in hallways, go for a walk, bug people in their rooms, gather 17 people to go eat and mob the dining hall, eat too much, come home for 8 more hours before going to bed- do I have no clue what during those 8 hours after dinner, since homework is saved exclusively for Sunday or possibly the day before class if something comes up sooner during the week.

I hope they won't assign much work for over the thanksgiving break, I have a lot to do during those few days.

I need to make a list of things to remember to bring back. So far it includes pillows, Qtips, more pepto, leggings, sheets?, more clothes that I left behind, super glue, and many things that I won't think of until I get back to school and go dammit, I need that. But then I get to come home again like 2 weeks after for a whole month. I can't wait.

strangeness

People watching, my favorite pastime. Here are a few of the interesting people I have seen:

• a homeless man with a rabbit on his head, singing a song about it
• a 60 something man, with grey hair in a high ponytail, stubble beard, unflattering track suit, and long red manicured nails. Nothing suggested he did drag in his spare time besides the nails.
• a guy at school who wore a full suit every day, even when it was 80 out
• a man with long grey hair in a high ponytail, and bangs that were cut to go nearly 1/2 way around his head in a friar tuck sort of fashion
• A 300 lb. girl(?) with a bleached fro mohawk, septum piercing, lip piercing, and unshaved legs- who happened to be hanging out with a teeny tiny girl in mens wear with an electric purple curly mohawk to match
• a homeless man on the bus making out with his soda bottle in an attempt to get the last drop
• a guy with a mohawk pulled back into a ponytail- but where the ponytail should have been, was a ball of dreads it looked like he'd velcroed on
• a girl whose stomach visibly giggled with each step, with a plate of a brownie, a piece of cake, and 6 macaroons

I know there are more amazing things I've seen, but I can't remember them right now

buzz by a bee

Today I was out for a walk, wandering down a trail I always wondered about. As I was walking through the forest I heard a buzzing around my head, so I shook my head and kept walking. I assumed it was a pesky fly. It did it again and I thought it was in my hair so I went to shoo it away.

That's when I felt the burning begin. I was sorely mistaken. This was a bee, not a fly. And it had just stung my scalp. And it burnt like a bitch. I was now afraid to smack at it more because I didn't want to get stung again or accidentally push the stinger farther in.

I turned around to head back the way I came. I wasn't about to venture further into this unknown trail with a bee in my head.

As I was heading back, beginning to cry because of the pain of the sting and the helplessness of having a bee in my head and no one around to help, I was stung again in the shoulder. It was through my cardigan so I was able to easily remove the bee at least, where I noticed it was a yellow jacket. (This will be relevant soon).

I then began running down the trail because bees release a pheromone to tell other bees in the area that they are attacking, and I didn't want to be near any more.

I feel beyond ridiculous running, crying, and carrying a scarf and a cardigan with a bee on it, but there's a certain point where you give up on caring what you look like. there are bigger problems to worry about, like the bee I can swear I can feel pumping more venom into my scalp.

I walk up to the student health services hoping to find someone to remove the bee, only the find that they are closed. At this point I decide it's time for a bit of revenge and stop to death the yellow jacket still stuck on my cardigan. I'm still afraid to touch my head. I decide the bookstore may at least be able to tell me where I can go to check for someone to help me.

A woman in the bookstore tells me she doesn't see a bee, and that the only other thing she can do is call the paramedics. Hardly necessary, I decline and walk back towards my dorm.

Maybe a friend can help out. On my walk I come to the realization that the other girl I trust to help me is gone for the weekend, and the other ones I have confidence in to competently remove a stinger. It's a saddening realization to have.

I resolve to use hand mirrors and check out my head myself, since I trust myself to do what I have to at least. I couldn't find anything and finally remember that it was a yellow jacket on my cardigan that I killed and most likely was the same one that stung me on the head. At least I killed the bastard.

My head still hurts. My shoulder too. It was a bad day. I just wanted to be home with people I knew could help me and that I trusted to actually be able to know what to do in such a situation. You know girls would just be afraid to touch it if I had had a bee in my scalp. It's amazing how stupid people are for being able to get into college.

wtf

I was pissed at Kelly for having all her friends over passed 2 am, so I decided I should talk to her about it- just to tell her that she should be understanding of when I do something to make her mad if I'm understanding of her antics.

Her response was- it was Halloween, I thought you'd have a life and be out. She then continued with: if it had been you I probably would have left you alone and gone somewhere else.

It was 2:30 in the morning, I was going to sleep. I can't go somewhere else to sleep, this is my room.

How is it that I'm now the bad guy because I came home to my own room on a school night to sleep?

Every time I hear her talk I hate her a bit more. I'm finding a way out of this room...somehow.

hey hamster face

She asked for the room from 9-11 pm to work on a project or something with friends. No problem, it's halloween. I'll be out of the room and find something to do.

But when I come back at 1 am to drop off a bag of candy and there are 10 of her asian friends in my room...what the hell. Okay, I'm still out for the night. Whatever...but you're singing. That's definitely not working. Not sure what you're doing, but it can't be that important.

But when I come back at 2:30 ready to sleep and all her friends are still there- not cool dude. You're pissed at me for having a friend in the room when you come home, yet we leave immediately once you come back. And now you've got 10 people in my room, lights on, talking about bullshit- and make absolutely no change when I come in to go to bed...I'm not going to be so cooperative to you if you're so disrespectful to me. Its give and take, and I hope you're ready to take some shit.

halloween

Halloween, I think it may be my new favorite holiday. If my love of candy wasn't enough to have endeared me to it before, the new abundance of sluts in ridiculous costumes has brought my love to a whole new level.

I may hate the temptation of having candy around, but I also love it. My sweet tooth knows no limits. It's almost as bad as my love of people watching.

It's like Halloween was made for me.

I think this is the holiday of over confidence. "It's when ugly chicks get guys" as a friend said. Because while they may still look like a sausage, they're a sausage in a push up bra and a miniskirt so short they had to buy special underwear to go with it. You shouldn't wear skin tight dresses if you are built more like a sausage than a person. Even if you've got curves like a plus size model, if you also have the accompanying stomach- please don't go out in fishnets and panties with a bra and jacket and think that qualifies as clothes. I know all girls costumes are little more than "slut" disguised as some profession like fire fighter or policewoman, but pairing a shirt with booty shorts is not the answer to your costume dilemmas. Tutus around every corner and booty shorts on every butt. I can't remember what halloween is celebrating, but I don't think this is what they had in mind when it was created.

Either way, I've got sugar and people to comment on. Add to that the fact that all these girls is ridiculous outfits are now drunk and I've got dinner and a show that can't be outdone.

smells like slobs

Pigs.

Filthy, oblivious, pigs.

They leave food in the trash and expect the room not to smell. A sandwich with onions left on a desk, not even attempted to be thrown away. It completely fowled the room, add to that the lovely aroma of reheated chinese food and the ceaseless smell of pot that seeps in through the window and my room is a truly lovely place to be. I was seriously appreciating the air freshener I had, although that only improved the smell temporarily. Luckily we get use to things and no longer become aware of them, but it's really quite a pungent smell to return home to. I didn't mind the clothes everywhere, the shambles of forgotten paper, and random shoes strewn about the room, but food is gross. Clean that shit up.

As requested

The immediate scene that followed my slip up text actually didn't happen until about an hour later when whoever was hanging out in our room had left. Kelly passive aggressively said in that indirect, this isn't important, i'm not even looking at you while I'm talking kind of way- if you have an issue with me just tell me.

Really? You expect me to go up and say- you talk too much. "Stop doing that, change your whole hyper personality please to suit my liking." No- you don't do that. So you deal with it and bitch to your friends and life goes on. That's how I deal with things at least. In all following conversations it's really difficult to try and amend my misstep when she counters with- I know you don't like me, it's ok.

ARG, how do you come back to that? It's true, but I want to like you, for my living sake. I might dislike you less if you were to stop it. Stop doing shit like keeping the lights on at 4 am and doing bullshit like taking webcam photos with some dude in our room while i'm trying to sleep and your piercing little hamster voice wakes me from my sleep. (I might be understanding if she were actually doing work- but I have photo evidence to the contrary) It was enough to make me dream about screaming at her in my sleep- a dream so realistic I then worried I'd further shoved my foot in my mouth the entire following day.

Following arguments stemmed from the fact that she offered me friendship and expected to be besties from our first meeting, while I came in guarded and expecting the worst, being that I need time to warm up to people and will then decide if I want to be friends. We have different methods of developing relationships as we have extremely different personalities and are just very different as people. I accept that, I recognize that- yet she refutes it every time. "Just go make friends. It's really not that hard" -For you maybe. "No, really- it's not that hard. Just go make friends. Everyone's hella chill here. Just say hi. That's what I did and now I have friends at like all the colleges. You should do that."

....It makes me want to strangle her. She has zero concept of what it's like to be crippled with introversion and seems to refuse that that's even possible for someone to have. Of course I can make friends, I should just go out there like her. If she can do it I can do it, right?

It's really hard talking to someone who refuses to accept the possibility that other may be different from her. It's like talking to a brick wall. All attempts to explain what happened and potentially amend for my terrible grievance (that she seriously should have just gotten over to begin with) just end up going in circles with her same rebottles. I give up.

I'm so screwed if she ever sees this blog. But i'm willing to take that risk for your entertainment. I'm just such a nice person like that :P

Here's the scoop

Many have probably heard mention of my clash with my roommate. Hamster bitch as far as i'm concerned (my roommate called her a hamster affectionately, but the idea of a compact rodent that makes irritating noises is quite applicable in my opinion).

So here's how the issues started: Actually, before anything happened in person, I met her through Facebook. Automatically I disliked her, as she had a stuffed unicorn in her profile picture and every message she sent me had far too many exclamation points to be reasonable. No one is that excited about choosing a fridge.

Wrong. Upon moving in, my worst fears were confirmed. She actually was that excitable and hyper. She had a squeaky high pitched voice that instantly irritated me and the worst part of it was that she never stopped talking. Somewhat of a human equivalent to that tiny yappy dog that you want to drop kick. High energy, high pitch, and a constant stream of bullshit- mostly about her stories of when she was fucked up or her boyfriend or how hella cheap she got something for. This girl was my worst nightmare.

One night shortly after moving in, she came home stoned. And miracle upon miracles, she was chill. Mellow, almost quiet- or at least less talkative than I'd seen her since moving in. I'd already vented some of my irritation about her talking to a friend who shared in my irritation of her, and so decided to share my little revelation. I sent them a text saying "K is quiet when she's stoned. I've found the magic key." Except that I sent it to my roommate by mistake. Oopsie daisy. My bad.

too nice

I wouldn't consider myself to be emotional. I don't suffer from the "touchy feely" affliction that so many seem burdened by. But I wouldn't think of myself as a complete bitch or anything either. Upon coming to Santa Cruz everyone was very nice and friendly. Everyone was open to meeting all the people around them- you live with them, kind of have to. The ones you meet whom you don't like, just don't bother with them in the future. That was my feeling at least.

And yet, it seems as though the people that I did decide I liked were still just a little too nice. They don't people watch (enjoying the mess of humanity parades around daily for my own personal amusement). I can't make fun of the irony of the hippy girl who won't shave her legs, yet won't wear anything besides long skirts of pants that hide them (clearly she's not fully comfortable with her decision, and neither am I). They found it rude when I reminded the owners of one room that they were allowed to kick out my roommate because she wouldn't stop making random noises while one of them was trying to sleep- it's their room, they have a right to peace and quiet and to remove the noisy offender. Just trying to help. It's the odd things that I find totally acceptable that they seem to be ticked off by that confuse me most. I don't know how to fix something if I don't know that what I'm doing is offensive. I've pointed this out to them- if you have issue with something I do, tell me. Otherwise I'll never know to fix it. This is a slippery slope I'll have to learn to navigate, or maybe it's good for them to get a dose of reality and thicken up their skins a bit. The world isn't concerned about your emotions either- learn to deal with it.