learning curve

This life is a learning experience.
By the time you've made all the mistakes
and know how to avoid them in the future,
there is often very little future left to use your wisdom
as this journey of knowledge has no end point
until the end point

I live a cold life

I am a lizard in human skin
A cold blooded reptile in need of a basking rock.
Put me in the sun,
warm me up.
This mammalian fur fail me.

Why Words Fail

Words will always fail us, for a word is not merely a word. They are your words- each word is not just a word. It is every connection and subtextual thought and associated meaning that a world hold for you. Tree to me may draw to mind the awe-inspiringly enormous redwood, noble and enduring though delicate- deserving of reverence and respect. Tree to you may remind you of the problematic, smothering ficus you grew up next door to, forever blocking the sun, raining debris, and upheaving sidewalks with massive, twisting roots. My speaking of trees may not have the same unconsciously positive associations underlying my story that I may intend it to, as it does for me, when it is heard by you. Our words may be the same, but their meaning is far from similar. This is why our words continually fail us, yet they are the only tools we have to attempt to convey what we mean, what we want to get across to others. Perhaps this is why, despite sharing everything we possibly could say, we will forever have only ourselves as company in the worlds of our heads.

wow

Never would the 170 pound middle schooler have imagined what the future held. If I had been told then that I could shed 60 pounds and be a perfectly fit, healthy individual I would have been ecstatic, and had no clue how I would have gotten there. It took a lot of time and effort, and plenty of setbacks, but I did it. We may not always be able to see the path that will get us there, but if you keep the destination in sight perhaps anything is possible.

Sad

Today was the first time I've cried at a movie for as long as I can remember. It was from Savages. I didn't cry because it was sad, or because of the torture or violence. I started crying because it saddens me that I have to live in a world where people are capable of committing such unimaginable atrocities, such cruelty to their fellow man. I don't want to live in a world where the humans are the devils, but we do. I just prefer to ignore that fact, because it truly is a sad thing to think about. People can be quite disappointing in the things they do, that no one should ever, ever do.

Patience

Everyone has heard that patience is a virtue, but this adage has been retold so many times that we no longer hear the meaning behind the words.
If we took the time to truly learn and accept its lesson, our lives might be just a bit better.
I've realized recently, as I do every time something happens that I've been wanting, that my life is continually moving where I want it to. As of most recently, being so lucky as to receive a car to be able to drive around in and have some freedom again. Unfortunately, you can't really live in LA and not have a car- even if you do enjoy walking. It's simply too big and too far apart, with no functional public transport to rely on.
I have had at least 4 moments in my life where I had a moment that made me go- Whoa, this is exactly what I had envisioned. And it came true, I got what I wished for and am so happy for it.
But then I realize that any unhappiness stems from being displeased from not having what you want. If I were able to remind myself at the time that I may not have these things now, but that eventually they will come into my life, then a bit of patience could save me some unhappiness.
I had this realization and thought it was a good one to share. I'm thankful for everything I have and having such a wonderful life that somehow brings me all the things and need and anything I want badly enough- if only I can stand the time in-between wanting and receiving. And I mean years in some cases, but without fail, everything shows up eventually.

Balance?

Yo-yo dieting.  For a little over a year now, I have lost, gained, and repeated. There has not been a point that has not been moving in one direction or the other. I have had zero luck staying stable and simply maintaining a weight I can be happy at. Until now- hopefully.
I have found that if I try and eat as healthily as possible at each meal, and go to the gym whenever I can find the time, that I can have room for all the indulgences that I fail at resisting and still be okay. I've gone through at least 3 terrible food days that have included in one day an entire pound and a half bag of candy, taco bell, crepes, and in-n-out, another day of buffalo wings at midnight, and another time having  ice cream sandwiches, late night meal, and I'm sure a few cookies stolen from the dining hall. The mornings after have generally resulted in a bloated, truly toxic feeling.
On these days I have woken up, tried to eat light that day, and make sure I go to the gym. By the next day, I feel fine again. I don't even feel the normal fatness I usually do with each consecutive day after ending a diet. Thank god for finally finding a balance- of motivation, control, and self forgiveness.
It may have taken over a year, and who knows if this reprieve from weight fluctuation will last, but in the meantime I will enjoy it while I finish my finals before finally returning home for the summer where I get to see my family, not rely on busses, ,sleep in a real bed, and eat non dining hall food. Sounds awesome.

Smell that?

Some of the most pleasurable moments while walking to class are being caught off guard by the addition of a nice scent- someone's perfume, the flowers, baking smells coming through apartment windows- it could be anything. Most often though, the smells our noses come in contact with are not pleasant. Case in point- your own body. We produce smells, not a single one of which is pleasurable. We are essentially toxic smell bags, doing everything in our power to hold them in and cover them up. We (attempt) to step away for flatulence, we apologize for burps, and slather ourselves head to toe is scented soaps/ shampoos/ deodorants/ perfumes to hide any natural odors that may escape our skin bags.

It's no wonder we produce only toxic smells. Have you ever seen what food does? I once spit out a partially chewed cookie after being caught off guard by how bad it tasted, and forgot to throw away the cup I'd spit it in. I found it a few days later, and was horrified to see how it'd grown and fermented. That happens inside of us. We are full of decaying food, that is in the process of becoming shit. That is its only destiny- or perhaps to be sweated out when being used as fuel for our bodies. Either way, it will never become some beautiful fragrance once it touches our lips. We don't make a single nice smelling substance.

Plants, on the other hand, smell delightful.
They eat sunlight, which is probably the best food in the world. They get to sunbathe all day and never worry about what to eat for lunch, or how many calories it will be, or when they will have time between classes to quiet their bellies grumblings. They then take beautiful warm sunlight, and make pretty green things, or brilliantly colored flowers that have delicate and pleasing aromas. Why can't be flowers? Flowers don't have to write english papers....they just have to wait for the sun to grace them with their presence once more.

Happy Mothers Day

Tomorrow is mother's day, a day so very needed to give mother's their deserved recognition for all that they do. Moms are the ones making sure things run, taking care of the little details most of us are oblivious to that help keep life on track. Without them, we would surely all be lost. Or at least missing a lot of more items around the house. 

Tomorrow I won't be able to bake my mother any special goodies or spend the day with her, which is a sad thing. I wish that I could be to thank her for all of her help and knowing that I've always got someone if I ever need advice or support. 

I was never a terrible child, but just like any child I certainly had my moments. My mom has been incredibly patient through my various phases, over emotional, melodramatic preteen years, through my bitchy moments in high school, and she's stayed respectful and allowed me to discover a bit of freedom as I go off to college. 

I miss being able to bitch about my day, or share moments of elation while people watching because of the true absurdity that exists in the world- and it's so nice to have someone who can understand the joy that their ridiculous existence brings. 

I look forward to the summer, where I will hopefully be able to share more mornings over coffee while the rest of the house sleeps or go grocery shopping while planning out family meals. 

My mom has taught me all I know today that enables to be a competend individual in the world, and that is a priceless gift that deserves more than cooked desserts presents or blog entries of praise, but it's all I have. 

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who do so much for us, you deserve more than a single day a year for all that you do. 

kid causes

When considering beginning a family...what is it that goes though people's heads while debating creating a new life? I had a reading for my English class that talked about how so many children fell into these group homes because they wanted to get away from their parents- not necessarily because of abuse, but more often because of neglect. Emotional neglect because their parents were too busy working and then too tired to bother with them, or too drugged out to connect with their kids- so rather than staying in the uncomfortable setting of living with someone you don't care for (much like being in a dorm room...) they opt instead to leave.
It got me wondering what it was that caused people to have kids (disregarding accidents).
No child ever asks to be born. It is no ones fault that they exist, they just happened to be created and forced to live out this existence in whatever body they've been given. But when creating these people- what motivates parents?
Do they think they are proving a vessel for one of the millions of imaginary spirits just waiting for an opportunity to come to this world?
Is it so that they will have someone who needs them to give their life a purpose?
Are they bored and want another person to interact with?
Maybe some parents are ensuring they have their own safety net- someone to look after them in their old age who will care about them more than the nurses in an old folks home.
Or perhaps its just what people do at that time of life, so they might as well join the bandwagon. Don't wanna get left behind.

I recently saw a statistic in my psychology book that said that the majority of marriages decrease in happiness when a child is introduced into the mix. Mostly because of the added stresses- women having too much responsibility for the child and men feeling the burden of providing for everyone. If more couples knew that, most likely, they'd be less happy with their partner once they had a child, would they still do it?
I really am curious as to what drives most people to willingly accept the financial burden a child, plus the responsibility of having to raise your own personal goo bag so it doesn't turn out to be a complete dick and burden on society later in life. And what if you get a bad egg, that continues to be a terror despite all your best efforts?
Maybe its the curiosity of finding out what you'd create- will it get your bad genes in terms of cavities, or maybe it'll inherit your intelligence and now you've provided the world with a fabulous new brain that can improve the world and solve all the problems. (only if you're Sheldon Cooper)
I had thought for a long time that if I ever were to have kids that I'd adopt them- but then i realized that if I can't blame myself for this quirk and that flaw, and take credit for that achievement, well...I'd probably have even less patience for it that if it were my own creation.
Probably genetics are the main motivator- some have come to the conclusion that the point of life is to continue life, and in our own day to day struggles to keep on living the way we'd like, that often seems like the most likely theory.

I know some people who can tell a hell of story. And do they have some interesting stories to tell...

Death is a weighty subject

I've had this thought for a while, so I felt like getting it out of my head.

Death is a heavy thing. It's a burden on the soul to carry that loss, that  sorrow. The grief induced weight gain that many experience is somewhat like a physical manifestation of the weight of ones emotion. Some people physically carry the burden in their heart for the world to see. Your weight may be an expression for everyone to see the sorrows you've gone through; each pound like a badge, worn to commemorate the event of a loved ones passing. Perhaps in the old days it was like an extra layer of insulation to keep your heart protected and carry you through the sparse times. It's as if the departed left a tiny bit of their soul wrapped around you, and your body had to expand to accommodate the extra consciousness you now carry with you always. Today everyone wants to be thin, but when extra weight is a marker of the extra wright bearing down on your soul, one needs not to be so ashamed of their baggage.

Lent

Lent has just begun. Despite not being catholic, I decided it might be a good excuse to give me that extra reason to have willpower to make a change in my habits. Never buy a pound of candy- because when you finish it you have to look at the bag and go "holy shit I just ate a pound of candy in a week (with some help)". So I decided maybe I should cut back on my sugar intake. Or at least not buy any more candy for a while- so I decided to give it up for lent. Originally I had said all sugar. ( I quickly realized this was impossible when making my coffee in the morning, and revised it to be just sweet things like candy and dessert.) Then I got to class and was hungry and started rummaging through my backpack and found jolly ranchers. And I ate them. And then I gave up. It's a lot harder to avoid dessert when you have 7 options and 2 frozen yogurt flavors available for no extra charge twice a day. If I can't even make it through the first day of lent, I basically have to give up right then and there, because if I can't go one day how am I suppose to go another 39? Instead, I'm just looking forward to easter, an excuse to buy more candy with rabbit/egg/ spring themes. To everyone else attempting to give something up to make a positive change for a while, best of luck. Hopefully you do better than me.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up, and everyone is aware- for their own reasons.

People either are planning a day with their sweetheart or they're dreading the day, being forced to recognize their alone-ness.

But in my opinion, everyone is focusing on the entirely wrong aspect of Valentine's Day.

If you're in a relationship, you don't need a special day to recognize it.

If you're alone, no one wants a day to make them aware of it, I'm sure they're already aware and don't appreciate the candy.

We should all go back to the days of elementary school when Valentine's Day only meant one thing: CANDY.

Any excuse to eat candy is a good thing. And if there is an extra-large assortment in the stores that happen to be heart shaped and wrapped in pink, all the better. So lets all unite in the renaming of this event for what it really is- national sweet tooth happiness day. Sugar is any form can't be bad, so happy Valentine's Day to all!

weekends ending

This lovely monday morning I woke up and tried to go to the bathroom.

The central hall has 2 handicapped bathrooms with 1 shower and one bathroom stall in each. One was out of toilet paper and the other was clogged.

So I went to try much luck in the South bathroom, that for some reason has 4 stalls even though I'm pretty sure that it has less people living on it. Of the 4, 3 were out of toilet paper and one was clogged. The only one left was the designated "urinal stall", which would explain why it still has toilet paper and isn't clogged.

Also, all 3 bathrooms were out of paper towels so after trying to wash my face I realized I was screwed and got to walk back to my room for a towel with a drippy face.

I know it's the weekend and I guess the maintenance staff deserve a day off too- but apparently 2 days is too many.

I had walked past the big windows and saw that outside looked overcast and chilly, and knowing that the weather predicts rain for tomorrow, I decided to bundle up in my DGAF clothes and at least be warm if the day was going to insist on sucking.

While pulling out a pair of comphy jeans I accidentally dragged over my box of nailpoish, spilling them all over the floor. The real bonus was having one break, leaving glass and sticky polish on the carpet to try and be cleaned up and ruining one pair of extra tall socks that I'd left on the floor in the process.

At least it was a clearish polish and not bright red. And maybe I'll be just a little bit more motivated to pick up my clothes now.

Welcome to college problems.

Luckily the rest of the day has proceeded to improve a bit, but that was my morning.

Spring has sprung

Spring is on its way.

I can feel it in the warming of the air,

in the lengthening of the days,

in the way the sun sets just a little bit slower than the day before.

And I can't wait.

Winter will not be missed by me.

some inspiration from fog

spider webs that hang like lace

dripping down into space

their delicate lines i yearn to trace

with intricate patterns spun with care

by that creepy ass spider just hanging there

illegal activities

I've moved rooms, and its great knowing that I never have to deal with those pain in the ass people ever again. The only problem is that I moved without going through all of the proper paperwork first. I tried to, but they didn't feel like doing it at the time. Well we didn't feel like waiting, so instead we took matters into our own hands. My key doesn't work the new door, so we have it taped so that it can't lock, and just hope that no one will steal our things while we're away. I don't mind this. So far the biggest problems are maintenance ones for the room. One of the curtains is missing, so the room is bright as shit in the morning when I have enough trouble sleeping in as it is. I did wake up to birds chirping though, so I don't mind. I was waking up earlier than I wanted to in the old room anyways. The other problem is that the heater doesn't work. I seriously have goosebumps at 3 in the afternoon just sitting in the room. I'll have to ask my roommate to file a fix it, since it'd be weird of me to ask for someone else's room to be fixed.

I wonder what the consequences would be if we were caught. Just today the CA came around to all the rooms asking people to sign that they were still living in their room. I signed saying yes, I am still in the triple. Bit fishy of a coincidence, but we do what we must and hope for the best. It's definitely more comfortable being in a room where I don't mind the other person being there as well. The room has also been rearranged so that she is able to keep a lot of privacy, so that's good. Overall I think it will be a good swap. Hopefully the room will warm up soon...I'm cold enough as it is.