don't idly sit by

a foot gone numb from lack of circulation. a cautious twitch of the toe sends a crippling wave of pain up the leg, completely immobilizing it. sit very still again and wait a bit longer for life to return.

its only important to you

I forget everything because nothing holds importance for me. Everything is just a small insignificant event to either be enjoyed while it lasts or dealt with as best you can until it's over. And then it's gone, and I don't bother thinking about it anymore.
Today someone asked if I was going to dress up- i said probably not. They said they would if I did. I said I didn't care what they did. They seemed bummed. When I was retelling the story, my friend commented saying- but you don't care what anyone does.
...it was perfect.

You know what's exciting about having a bad memory? Sometimes random memories of things like from your childhood will randomly pop into your head and you can go- cool! I had no clue I still had that. I was pretty sure it got completely deleted. But nope, it's in there somewhere, waiting for the right opportunity to show itself, for no apparent reason.

so chill

Today I realize the extent of my ability to be unperturbed by anything. A twix exploded in my purse. I just licked the caramel off my phone and hoped that i would remember to clean the rest off my purse later. A dog slobbered on my foot. I rubbed it in like lotion. I would die as a germaphobe, I just don't care enough. I think it just adds to my immune system. I'll walk barefoot. I've licked the blood off my fingers. I'll leave the paint splatter on my face for a while. People who let the little things get to them must be very busy, and sad.

daydreamin

some days you fall asleep in the sun
to find your eyelashes trapped rainbows
while you slept

some things can wait
while now is here
because you can't come back to now
later

then its gone and later is sneaking up on you
while you're still thinking about the now
that become before

I'd like it to wait

I think for once I may actually be aware of the stress that I'm dealing with. Normally I must just block it out because I never feel stressed, but my shoulders tell me otherwise. But working on college apps, and thinking of deadlines that must be met and the importance of the essays that I'm writing, realizing how I have no time to study before taking the SAT again, feeling the guilt of going out and having fun when I have things waiting for me to work on when I get back that everyone kept talking about but that I never felt before, it's slightly exhausting. I look forward to having it all done and sent out and over with.

just because

Things don't need reasons. They just have to be. Enjoy them.

who, me?

It's college app time, and that means a lot of selling yourself. Mostly this has made me realize that my personality is very contradicting to itself and that I don't like trying to define things. Also, I dislike telling stories to prove my qualities. The best stories would be for things like forgetful or distracted, which wouldn't be a positive attribute as far as colleges are concerned. I bet this would be easier if I were trying to get into an art school.