2 weeks

School's off for winter break. I'm excited to be able to sleep in and wake up on my own schedule- mostly because that means I can lay in bed for an hour remembering my dreams. Any other time they get obliterated by my alarm clock, and I'll only catch glimpses of things, the essence of a memory from the dream. It's a frustrating mystery with no way to solve it besides luck, unless I can sleep in and remember. It's interesting to see where everything comes from- what you're reading, what you were talking about, who you've been hanging out with- they all find a way of showing up in your dreams. Or just completely random bizarre stuff that makes no sense will happen, which is just a story your mind told itself so it didn't get bored while you were sleeping.

winter blues

i dislike the winter. the cold. the shadows. the short days and long nights. The sun never fully rises in the sky. It seems like it's always hovering just above the horizon, casting long shadows that make my search for a patch of sun so much more difficult. Even on sunny days the air is crisp. I can't wear skirts and dresses, not comfortably at least. The days become nights so quickly. I miss the sun. I wish it'd come back.

good

days are good because some days you just feel good. maybe your skin fits better than day, and your hair does everything it's suppose to, and the sun is out and you're not shivering.

Lady Luck

have you ever noticed that everyone says "With my luck, this will probably happen." or "That would happen with my luck" Then apparently everyone has bad luck. It must just be the way luck works. Screw that, I am lucky. Maybe it's just how you view things. Some might say, awww just my luck. i stepped in gum. or you could scrape off the gum and not think about it, and go yes! the steering wheel is turned the right way so that the hot part is on the bottom and i can drive without burning myself. It's all about focusing on the right things. I don't know what people are talking about, their luck. My luck is perfect.

why can't you be happy?

Maybe I'm abnormal. It seems like every single person I talk to is completely unhappy with their body. They either have something beyond their control that they hate and obsess on constantly, or they have unattainable body goals because they think that would look better on them. Is everyone seriously that self conscious? You look best on you. Instead of dealing with their bodies and learning how best to accent what they have, they just focus on how they'd like to change something. Dude, just be happy. Nothing you have is that bad. It's your skin and you're gonna be livin' in it for a long time. So sit down and have a nice long talk with your belly button until you're friends again.

don't idly sit by

a foot gone numb from lack of circulation. a cautious twitch of the toe sends a crippling wave of pain up the leg, completely immobilizing it. sit very still again and wait a bit longer for life to return.

its only important to you

I forget everything because nothing holds importance for me. Everything is just a small insignificant event to either be enjoyed while it lasts or dealt with as best you can until it's over. And then it's gone, and I don't bother thinking about it anymore.
Today someone asked if I was going to dress up- i said probably not. They said they would if I did. I said I didn't care what they did. They seemed bummed. When I was retelling the story, my friend commented saying- but you don't care what anyone does.
...it was perfect.

You know what's exciting about having a bad memory? Sometimes random memories of things like from your childhood will randomly pop into your head and you can go- cool! I had no clue I still had that. I was pretty sure it got completely deleted. But nope, it's in there somewhere, waiting for the right opportunity to show itself, for no apparent reason.

so chill

Today I realize the extent of my ability to be unperturbed by anything. A twix exploded in my purse. I just licked the caramel off my phone and hoped that i would remember to clean the rest off my purse later. A dog slobbered on my foot. I rubbed it in like lotion. I would die as a germaphobe, I just don't care enough. I think it just adds to my immune system. I'll walk barefoot. I've licked the blood off my fingers. I'll leave the paint splatter on my face for a while. People who let the little things get to them must be very busy, and sad.

daydreamin

some days you fall asleep in the sun
to find your eyelashes trapped rainbows
while you slept

some things can wait
while now is here
because you can't come back to now
later

then its gone and later is sneaking up on you
while you're still thinking about the now
that become before

I'd like it to wait

I think for once I may actually be aware of the stress that I'm dealing with. Normally I must just block it out because I never feel stressed, but my shoulders tell me otherwise. But working on college apps, and thinking of deadlines that must be met and the importance of the essays that I'm writing, realizing how I have no time to study before taking the SAT again, feeling the guilt of going out and having fun when I have things waiting for me to work on when I get back that everyone kept talking about but that I never felt before, it's slightly exhausting. I look forward to having it all done and sent out and over with.

just because

Things don't need reasons. They just have to be. Enjoy them.

who, me?

It's college app time, and that means a lot of selling yourself. Mostly this has made me realize that my personality is very contradicting to itself and that I don't like trying to define things. Also, I dislike telling stories to prove my qualities. The best stories would be for things like forgetful or distracted, which wouldn't be a positive attribute as far as colleges are concerned. I bet this would be easier if I were trying to get into an art school.

lessons learned

Sometimes, leaning into the pain can be the answer.
Resistance can be the problem.

being

do you ever move your muscles beneath your skin
and wonder why others cringe
when inside comes out
that we are not meant to see
some things to remain hidden
for our own health and sanity
yet my curiosity allows me to see beyond
inside
so that i may look without a queasy center
at something of which i am the master
my own body
living

changing time

My eyes are heavy. I can feel them. They tell me that sleep is the answer, but i don't wish to speed up time. That means waking up early again tomorrow all the sooner. If i can keep today a bit longer, I can put off tomorrow. Sleep eats time. We need sleep, it provides us with a small oblivion where we can ignore the realities of life, with whatever problems, troubles, or thoughts that simply cannot be given attention every second of the day. Sometimes we must escape them so as not to go insane. They disappear while we retreat into our own subconscious imaginations to experience a different reality for a while. But while we're ignoring reality, it's busy speeding by without us, going on regardless of whether we're aware of it or not. And when we wake up, we must face that reality. But we always find a way to deal with it. Enjoy oblivion while you can, life will still be there waiting for you whenever you decide it's time to come back.

the things we share

sometimes the only difference between a bitchy mood and complete contentment with life is an imperceptible change behind your eyes and a millimeter twitch of the mouth, but the difference is monumental in the mind.

happy happy joy joy

I love when things go well, when life is good, when you get to enjoy the little things. When you hit all the green lights on the way home. When you realize that planes have headlights too. When you get to be passenger again.

let it go

the sense of relief felt when releasing something when you realize it isn't worth caring about it wonderfully calming.

a day in a life

Life is only a day and a memory long. Once you go to sleep, the day is over and it become just another memory. Then it's a new day, a new miniature life to create.

off

Some days are just off days. They can still be good days, despite going slightly wrong at every turn. Today my friends and I woke up far too early for a summer morning to go and decorate the strand with chalk. Turns out the strand is actually too smooth for the chalk to stick properly, and if you attempt to blend it at all you will just erase your work. We didn't let this stop us. Nor did we allow the street sweeper ( I wasn't even aware that the street sweeper swept the strand) to deter us from fixing and finishing our work. We even had a dog crap on our art. Apparently the dog didn't approve, although it seemed that the only other people up at so early an hour (crazy joggers) did enjoy our work. The wall worked perfectly and was less likely to get worn away, so hopefully that will stay for a while. But the whole day went like that- just ever so slightly off. And in it's offness, it's nearly perfect but just ever so slightly wrongness, it became awesome for it's quirks. It would have been far less eventful if we didn't have a street sweeper to contend with. As they say, miserable is memorable.

change in taste

does your spit ever change flavors? You can feel the new flavor leak over your back molars, seeping out of your salivary glands. What causes this change in taste? When I first noticed it I thought I had chipped a tooth and that was what the inside tasted like. Now I think it might be a hormone like serotonin or melatonin or something of that sort, since I only notice it right before bed. I didn't know hormones had flavors. It's interesting. You never think of what spit tastes like. It's just always there, seemingly unchanging and so you stop noticing. But should there be a variation in the constant, suddenly you notice- and are forced to wonder, why does my spit change flavor?

how are you?

I am wonderful. I am splendid. I am lovely. I am excellent.

How could you respond any other way?
All things are relative. You may have woken up and shared a shower with a spider, and proceeded to go through the gloomy day with a tweaked back. But all things considered, it's all good. In general, overall, things are well above average. Complaints are small and temporary. So now, no matter how less than ideal a day you may be having, you can still say that you are excellent when someone asks how you are.

head in the clouds, body in the sun

It's hard to think that some people can go through whole days, weeks, possibly moths or even years, and never have the words bliss, contentment, and peace float through their thoughts. Some people never find themselves in a state of calm, despite everything happening around you. Maybe it's just an ability to zone out, day dream, find lala land. When your mind wanders so much you stop being aware of where it goes until you catch yourself, and can't remember what's happening. Perhaps it's denial. Ignoring everything that probably should be worried about. Ignorance is bliss, especially when you're in the sun.

family

damn my family is LOUD. And yet i love that my grandma greets me with Dude! when she comes to visit, and my dad will describe lameness as sucking balls. That I can be in a conversation for hours and not realize that i haven't said a word. I blend in well. Maybe it's more like disappearing. I have cultivated my quietness. Perhaps it is in opposition to the occasionally grating noises that emanate from those around me, or simply from the fact that there is no need to butt in. Everyone has plenty to say, and I feel no compulsion to add to the conversation. I'm content to listen, as they are content to talk. You learn to listen.

deal with it

There is no such thing as the future. It is merely the present at another time. And we always find a way to deal with the present, so there's no use in worrying.

useless knowledge

It doesn't matter if you have all the wisdom in the world, if you have no experience to go along with it.

know it all

Eventually, I will figure out what the hell i'm doing. I'll probably die shortly after, because there will be nothing left to do in life.

up to you

Life is as difficult as your make it or as simple as you allow it to be. The decision seems simple, but many people fail to see the option.

blustery day

The wind brings with it a certain sense of chaos. There is more movement, more sound. Generally paired with an unnatural, white sky- the wind is like a strange life force. It moves the plants and if you stretch your mind you can imagine that it is the plants reaching out to the world to see what's out there. It's like a shower for the trees, stripping away any debris or dead leaves, but it ends up littering the ground for an unorganized, chaotic effect. There is a sense of foreboding in the air, a heaviness around you- pushing against you as you get wherever you're going. It's quite unnatural to see birds flying without going forward, struggling against the wind yet staying at a stand still, suspended in the air.

names

I find names odd. They are what others address us by, something more for others than for ourselves, despite the fact that they are our names. The only time you say your own name is when meeting someone else, so that they can know it.

Names are assigned to us at birth, before you know anything about yourself, or even before your parents know who you are (even at that squishy dribbly stage). It would seem logical that you would change your name at whim, to whatever seems fitting to have people address you by at that time. The name you were assigned is often no longer suitable as you evolve, yet there is generally not an option to change it.

There is one time when names do change, and then it is the woman taking the man's name at marriage. There is no choice, the name is random, and neither owner may care for it much. You would think it would be more sensible for the new couple to decide on a new name for the both of them. Granted, there may be a few more Mr. and Mrs. Awesome s in the phone book, but it seems more fitting to create a new identity for themselves then to have one party adopt a new name that the original owner doesn't care for himself, or that may belong to him but not be fitting for her. But if she elects not to change her name at marriage, you have to deal with that whole different names but still married confusion problem.

It is an odd practice. I'm not sure I approve.

i see you

Everyone's heard the saying "eyes are the windows to the soul". I disagree. Eyes are my windows to the world, not your window into me. They're like a one way mirror. I can see out, but you can't see in. I believe it is the eyebrows that display far more emotion than eyes. It's the way that the eyebrows shape the eyes that lets us see disbelief, sadness, and excitement in others. So eyebrows are the...frames into the soul.

new isn't always improved

Sometimes it seems life isn't spent living. When walking the dog is the most important thing i do all day, surely we've gone wrong. Society has strayed from what's important. Bodies weren't meant for clothes, they were meant for movement. Not for jobs, but for enjoying. My ears have more important things to listen to than the teacher droning on. I've more pressing things to learn of than how my DNA is replicated. Are clocks how we should greet each day? When we spend so little time outdoors that we need sunscreen and each freckle is a cause for concern. Views have become so warped that people can't be happy with themselves, can't recognize how wonderful it is simply to...enjoy. We can't even walk the earth without shoes to protect our feet. Have you done anything today to contribute to your happiness?

just thought you should know

I don't blog because I want to share my ideas and have other people know what i'm thinking. In fact, I don't think i've given out the site address to anyone. But I know people do read it, for whatever odd reason. Don't listen to my ramblings. Take no heed of my strange thoughts. I write them simply to get them out of my head. They pester me until they're fully thought out, so they end up here- and you get to see a brief snippet of my many random thoughts.