This is all

Things I've learned recently from the book This is All by Aiden Chambers, or maybe i should say quotes:

• i've never felt that i'm only one self
• i won't allow biology to be used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour
• poetically named chemical substances
• i began ot feel as if I were levitating and floating off into the air
• small, spare, simple, fresh, yet endless too, dense, complex, as old as the universe (poems)
• why do we repeat the obvious when in shock
• infuriating grin
• last night i dreamt i was giving birth to a cat
• jealousy poinsons the souls
• stoopid....... wickedeeboo
• there's something very disturbing about your dad crying
• i want to be concsious of everything. I want to be concsious of everything
• every time we learn something we suffer a sense of loss
• sleep
• Did the me i'm aware of when i'm awake go away while i was the me i am while i sleep?
• sleep- the death of earch day's life
• I am my life. My life means me. To understand me properly, you have to know who i am
• how odd that you can think something out only when you write it down, and how it can feel right even as you write it down, even though you don't understand it yourself and even though you've written it.
• helping yourself
• i forced the tears back
• without their nothingness they would be nothing
• you are consistently obscene
• and all the lives to be are full of trees and changing leaves
• the world, the universe, was alive. And somehow, this knowing, this conciousness, was what people call God
• the great grey-green greasy Limpopop all set about with fever trees
• and we have to be as alive as we can be and not let sadness or anything else spoil life for us
• when someone is about to leave you for a while, they gret scratchy. this is only to help them leave
• mental smile
• why can't people just enjoy things?
• the ony who leaves is the ony who smiles. The one who cries is the one who stays behind
• all the pent-up self-destructive energy had burnt off, I felt calm and myself again, but exhausted.
• jealousy is an ugly weakness
• nothing is real until it is imagined
• in that sense it's true that we ourselves and everybody else, everything i nthe world, everything in the entire universe,all of life itself, is only what it is,is only real, because it has been imagined. some people call this supreme universalimagination God.
• nothing is real, nothing exists, until we have imagined it
• i love the sea. I love its endless movement, its never the same always the sameness
• horizontal viewing is grounded, level, patient, settled
• the meaning of life itself, the point of it, is living it.
• and what would we be without our memory? - unconcious
• Robert Frost's poem 'the road not taken'
• sex is like junk food
• we are nothing if we are not conscious. if we were not conscious, we would not know who or what we are
• hapiness, it seems to me, is what you feel when your life is as it should be. Ergo, unhappiness is what you feel whe your life is not as it should be. When you're unhappy, you can become depressed
• i'm part of the height, the ground is falling twards me. falling upwards
• honesty may be the best policy but its side-effects are pain, rejection and opprobrium
• giggledom
• it grows in a tree, which we think of as rooted in the earth. but if you look at it another way, you cansay it is rooted by its branches in the sky
• when trying to find the truth, all things should in life should be looked at from the opposite way we usually think of them
• i long to know everything about Life, everything about myself
• doing nothing is doing something
• just words, but in the end they fail us. Because there are truths that lie beyond words
• to live is to remember. to forget is to die
• though it reminds me of a big mistake, is part of my life from which I learned a lot, and don't want to forget it
• we only find our disciple the hard way by trial and error, by searching and waiting- by lifing your way into it. or maybe i should say by it living its way into us
• you all you need to know about yourself; you just haven't let yourself know you know it yet
• silence can be as big a statement as words. nothing is more important than the truths to which we are blind
• know what she was saying until she was ready to reveal it
• what is is and life must go on whatever it is
• we are all going to die. it is only the worrying that makes it scary. so there is no point to dreading what will happen no matter what we do.

fight for the lose

I've always fought my emotions. I hated to cry. I refused to cry. If I have to and truly can't stop myself then I'd prefer to be on my own until it passes, so please don't try and make me feel better.

I usually start off feeling emotional and then something will upset me and piss me off until I'm so frustrated with everything that i cry or tear up. then the fact that I'm crying will just upset me more, so I fight it. I fight my emotions as much as I can. I feel weak and stupid if I cry. I am upset and get a headache from the tears.

It may be why I'm usually a happy person. If not happy - then I'm rarely sad or upset. Indifferent is a common state of mind. Pensive takes up a lot of brain space. Soooooo many thoughts that refuse to stop themselves until they've been completely thought out.

But surely there is a reason for crying. Otherwise we wouldn't. We are the only animals that cry- probably because we're the only ones who cause so many problems. But there must be a reason. To let out all the built up termoil emotions cause? I don't think so, because I never feel better afterwards. There's probably a reason and a use for it....but until I find a redeeming quality i'll continue to fight to keep my composure and my control. Hopefully it works.